Nobody Understands…

Nobody understands. Every day I wake up and feel exhausted. I take all the energy I have (which isn’t a lot) to get myself out of bed for the day. I may only be twenty-four, but I feel like a ninety-year-old lady who can’t even get out of bed anymore. I walk around like a zombie in my own body half the time and wonder if I will ever feel “normal” again.

Nobody understands. My bones are weak and brittle. Running causes bruising and pain. I can’t eat the foods I once ate before and sleeping doesn’t have the same schedule it once had. I find my whole world is flipped upside down and I wonder if I will ever feel “normal” again.

Nobody understands. I have a million and one symptoms so I must be a hypochondriac. I can’t go out anymore because I suddenly have to be in bed by nine. Yes, I have a bedtime. I need those eight or twelve hours of sleep, sometimes even fourteen. To my professor whose class I slept through, it is not that I meant to skip I just couldn’t get out of bed, I cannot control it. To my friends that I abandoned at seven pm, it is not that I did not want to hangout I just need sleep. To the paper and tests I failed, I studies for hours I promise, I know the information, I really do. To the team who wonders why I cannot play games anymore and quit on them, I want to I just do not have the energy. I have gone on for so long trying to do this on my own not getting any help from anyone. I have a whole different schedule and I cannot do it alone. I have tried and I have failed over and over again. I have realized that the only way to get through this is with God’s help. But why you must ask. If God let me live with this disease why would I go to him for help?

God is my unfailing Father whom I would give my life up for. I put ALL TRUST and ALL HOPE in Him. He is the only one who understands EXACTLY what MY body is going through. Some may understand different symptoms I may be facing, but ONLY God knows EXACTLY what I am going through. When others were not there, HE WAS. He understands EXACTLY what I am going through.

Nobody else understands. They try, but do not. They think I am faking or they think if I am fine one day I must be fine the next. People see my disease as fake. They do not see it as a real sickness, like a broken leg or something that is visibly seen, it is invisible. I watched my family and friends for years try to understand and help. Even doctors could not come to terms on what was wrong with me. Years and years went by until a name was finally mentioned.

LYMES DISEASE

I could not believe it. It had been so long with nobody helping me that I did not want to believe the doctors. That was until I saw my test results this past April 2018. For five years I was alone. For five years I could not understand what was wrong with me. For years I had no one…so I thought. I did not understand that God had been and still is with me through every second of my life. He is like my Lyme’s Disease, invisible, but so real and so there. I was the only one who could see Him and see my Disease.

A week before my diagnosis I was accepted into Moody Bible Institute in Chicago, IL. After being diagnosed I could not understand why God would send me to Moody. I could not think for myself, nor did I have any energy to even get out of bed. As I entered Moody I saw more love then I have ever experienced from nonfamily. All this anger I had built up was just released from me. Anger I didn’t even know that I had. I surrendered my disease over to God and finally decided to give it all to Him. (Best decision ever) Yes, I still struggle but I know that God is with me and He is holding my hand through it all.
I know I am at Moody for a reason and I know that this is where God wants me to be in this season of life. Even though I may not want to be here at Moody and face the everyday challenges I know that God has specifically sent me here for a reason. I have learned SO much in just the two short months that I have been here. I cannot imagine everything I am going to learn in the next 4 years. God is SO amazing and I cannot wait for this next season of life.